There’s an email that’s sitting in your inbox marked as ‘important’.
You’ve been ignoring it for three days.
It’s not that difficult. Respond to the bank employee, call the landlord or reply to a text that says, “Let’s discuss this matter, it’s long overdue”.
You know what to say. Yet you sit there, tight-fisted, doing everything else instead.
Have you’ve ever thought, why a small harmless task can feel like walking in front of a stage while every stares at you?
You’re not broken.
You’re a human being who’s scared.
Oh no, what now?
An abrupt pop up message from your boss to come see him in the board room with your manager and, you don’t feel like an adult anymore. You’re a child who thinks they’re in trouble even before you know what it’s about.
For most people, it’s rarely about the message itself; it’s how the mind interprets what was said. An authority figure asking for an explanation, or a tone you cannot gauge, leads the mind and body to try to fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios.
An adult body with a child’s nervous system
Your body reacts to a scary email, message or phone call exactly like it reacts to physical danger. This happens because your brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) fires to caution you of a threat. It reacts in a split second, before your thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex), even has a chance to make sense of what happened.
Your nervous system still remembers the very first instance of you getting scared or feeling helpless. These were moments when you were a kid and needed an adult to come help or comfort you.
The nervous system remembers that.
It learned what that fear truly feels like and kept it on stand by, ready to use it when something similar comes to mind.
Your prefrontal cortex eventually catches up and says, “Hey, take it easy! It was just a reminder message”. But, by then, your amygdala has already done its job.
So, if your heart is pounding or you feel like your stomach dropping over a work message, it’s not because you’re weak person. It’s just an old alarm system doing its job inside of your grown-up body without realising that you’re not a child anymore and the danger isn’t real.
Why ‘just being an adult about it’ isn’t enough
You can’t use logic to calm a child throwing a tantrum. Similarly, you can’t lecture a scared nervous system into feeling stable. Therefore, telling yourself, “What’s wrong with me, I’m being ridiculous” rarely works because fear isn’t looking for a counterargument; it’s looking for safety.
What truly helps
No big words. Just tender honesty with yourself. Try naming it rather than fighting it.
“I’m scared right now. I’m not in a dangerous situation”.
Say it out loud if it helps your body and mind realise what is truly happening to you in that moment.
The scared child inside of you isn’t flawed, nor do they require fixing. They are simply asking for the one thing that most kids need: to avoid being alone with the part that scares them.
Some days, you will get that reassurance from others. Other days, you will have to be the adult in the room and silently support that scared, mini version of yourself.
This is to assure them that you have their back and that you two are in this together.